Kevin talks about his experiences of PTSD, depression and anxiety, and the importance of boosting your self-esteem.
If I had a pound for every time someone had called me ‘brave’, ‘an inspiration’ or ‘strong’, I’d easily have a few hundred quid in my back pocket. I’d be in the thousands if you threw ‘stupid specky prick’ into the equation. Incredibly though I don’t see myself as any of these. The joys of PTSD, depression and anxiety that come along with it.
Hiya I’m Weasel, some of you may be familiar with my ramblings, some of you may not. So, quick introduction, I’m hoping that so far, you’ve gathered I’m specky and suffer from PTSD. In 2006 I was the victim of a violent assault which resulted in me nearly dying from blood loss. For years, I battled overwhelming depressive and anxious thoughts and I had this incredible need to stay safe. I adapted obsessive and compulsive behaviours. I endured flashbacks and nightmares, for a period I had suicidal thoughts, I needed to stop thinking, I needed to lose this sense of inferiority and weakness which seemed to burden my shoulders and push me down into this lonely black hole. In 2013 my life changed when I underwent CBT sessions with my psychologist Laura, she was the one who diagnosed me with PTSD and assured me I wasn’t going ‘nuts’ as I liked to put it and I wasn’t a lost cause.
I don’t want to go over old ground too much so you can read my journey to date on my blog @weaselblogs or weaselblogs.wordpress.com. However, to cut a long story short, since I got discharged from my CBT sessions with Laura, I’ve gained a degree in psychology and I’m due to start a Postgraduate soon. I spent 4 years volunteering with Victim Support Scotland, helping victims and witnesses of crime and their families overcome the trauma of crime. I’ve also done media work for both them and Police Scotland. I’ve spoke at conferences in front of hundreds of people for Community Justice Scotland. I’ve connected with people through my blogs and my openness about my condition, my battles and my thoughts and fears. I’ve done some impressive stuff, stuff which I’m immensely proud of and stuff which has led to people labelling me with the terms I described earlier, yet despite all of this, there are days where I feel like an absolute Charlatan. Days where I feel like the weakest, shittiest person on the planet. Days where I feel like a burden to the friends and family. Days where I feel like the whole world is against me and days where I feel like the world has their eyes on me and making judgements.
I guess the point of this piece is to highlight this, despite my recovery and how far I have come, and I have come along way, I still have these thoughts and these moments and those days. I may appear to have my shit together and look like I’m ‘normal again’, whatever that is, but I’m not. I’ve just accepted who I am and the traits that come with me.
The best bit of advice I ever got was from my mental health counsellor at university Steph, she told me one day that ‘you aren’t your anxiety and it isn’t you’.
It took me a while to make sense of what she said, and it also took me a while to accept that I’m not my PTSD and it’s not me. I used to feel that my life was dictated and controlled by my anxiety. In a way, it probably is, but what Steph was getting at is that I don’t need to continually view myself in that manner. I’m more than just a label that’s been attached to me and it isn’t who or what I am. I need to see me as me. I need to stop focusing on what I see as my failings and flaws and focus on my small victories.
For me, paranoia, worthlessness and self-doubt are the worst feelings that come with my PTSD. They bring with them that overwhelming and engulfing feeling that comes with anxiety and depression, that feeling where you’re going along nicely and then ‘boom!’ you’re worrying about the most irrational and illogical thing or worrying about something that you can’t pinpoint, you’re just captured in this moment of panic and anxious, trying to figure out what you’re actually worrying about, aye, that one? Class eh.
The good I’ve done with Victim Support and the conferences I’ve spoke at for Community Justice Scotland help boost my self-esteem, it empowers me, gives me a feeling of self-worth and that’s vital when you’re trying to battle depression and anxiety. You need to do what you can not to add fuel to the fire. You need to do what you can to make yourself feel a sense of value and self-worth. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the picture you have of yourself in your own head isn’t always accurate, in fact it’s probably way off the mark. I feel like the biggest Charlatan on the planet at times, the weakest guy on the planet. Yet I get all these incredible and kind things said to me.
It’s about finding that middle ground on those days where you feel shit. I like to focus on the good I’ve done.
I try to find something that lets me see that my life has purpose and meaning. I’m fortunate that I’ve touched so many people’s lives but even small things help. Pets for example, they rely on you, if your only victory that day is feeding your goldfish, it’s still a victory. When I was at my worst with my PTSD and suicidal thoughts were a daily occurrence, my rabbit Sheldon got me through, feeding and cleaning him gave me purpose. Again, my anxiety and depression made me believe that was my only purpose, I had a supportive girlfriend at the time, I had mates who I could have spoken to. Since I have they have all been incredible. That depressive and anxious voice you hear when overthinking isn’t reliable, far from it, it’s illogical and irrational. It wants you to believe you’re worthless and meaningless. You matter to someone or something somewhere. Even if you have no-one in your life just now, that could change in 20 minutes. Life changes quickly, you might only matter to that goldfish or your dug today but tomorrow when you’re out walking that dug, it’s your way of connecting with people.
My psychologist Laura has given me some amazing skills which I use as coping mechanisms. None more so than doing stuff that boosts your self-esteem. Another is challenging your thoughts, for example, asking yourself what are the chances of that fear happening? How will you feel about this fear in 5 years time and is it something that you can control and if so how can you change it or prevent it. If it does happen what is the worst outcome? These work for me, they keep me grounded in moments of panic.
Anyway, I was think the point of writing this was to highlight that paranoia, self-doubt and worthlessness are common with depression and anxiety. They are engulfing and overwhelming, but they are temporary. They may return but it’s how we process them and deal with them when they arise. Just remember you’re not your condition and it is not you. You’re you, those traits that you may think make you ‘weird’ or ‘abnormal’ are perfectly common.
Stay cool.
Weasel.
