Time to Talk Day — Katie Gordon
Mental health is effectively a controversial subject even in today’s society. What I’ve noticed about people is that many will throw this statement in the air however very few of them will stick to it. Many will promise to be there for you through the bad times however very few of them will keep that promise. I would like to assume it’s because they are blissfully ignorant to how ill mental health can affect a person although I am well aware this is not always the case.
I’ve dealt with a friend who suffers from anxiety herself cut me out of her life because I ‘didn’t make the effort to visit her’. I’ve had an old boyfriend tell me that no one could love me because I had no light at the end of the tunnel, that I was toxic because I was depressed. I’ve had people I considered friends call me anorexic because I was losing weight when they knew I suffered from BDD, when they knew I couldn’t look in the mirror without crying and stopped eating to make myself ‘look better’. I’ve had my dad call me an emo for years now and make self-harm jokes because I was depressed and struggling to stabilise my emotions. I’ve had people call me names such as ‘bipolar’ at both school and work because of my erratic mood swings. I’ve even had the disability services at university tell me to my face that I couldn’t get any support from them because it wasn’t physical.
And then people wonder why you won’t open up to them.
Having ill mental health can feel so isolating. Even if you have a close group of people in your life it can still feel like you are trapped in that isolation, that no one can take your hand and pick you back up. I understand that feeling.
But I’m writing this today to tell you that there are people out there who love you unconditionally, who adore all your imperfections and want to care for you. Your brain is unique and there is no stopping you if you want to achieve your life goals. I’m writing this to tell you that your mental health really doesn’t define you, it’s just a part of you that makes you so special. To deal with it every single day makes you so much stronger than most people out there. I would encourage people with ill mental health, whether you are diagnosed or still waiting for the diagnosis, to find someone that you trust and talk to them about what you are going through.
It took me to end up in hospital for the people around me to realise what I was going through. I never let on to anyone about how fast I was deteriorating, how intense my mood swings were. When it all came to light what I was struggling with, yes, I lost some people from my life and, yes, it hurt at the time. But in retrospect, that was the beginning of something great. A year ago, I used to write everything I hated about myself on sticky notes and put them up on my wall so my demons would never forget to torment me. A year ago, I had cut out the people I loved because I didn’t feel worthy of them, pushed them away as a form of punishment for being a ‘horrible person’.
A year ago, I had dropped out of university and wouldn’t leave the house because I was that inconsolable.
I could go from hyperactive and overstimulated to completely numb in an instant. There was no middle ground, both states making me completely reckless and dangerous; I would cross roads without caring to look, I stopped eating entirely, I would self-harm by scratching away at my legs to make them bleed and pull out my hair, I would take too much of my medication and drink too much just so I could feel something, laughing at people when I saw them hurting at something I had done to myself. It all resulted in me living in a dissociative and psychotic state for months, accepting that I was ‘crazy’. And this all happened because I got good at hiding behind my mask. Fundamentally, I was alone. I had let the demons in my head define me and isolated myself, this leading to my trip to the hospital.
Now, a year on, I am in several intensive therapy groups that I attend weekly as well as seeing my psychiatrist. I have been diagnosed with psychotic depressive disorder and anxiety and currently being assessed for borderline personality disorder. I see a dietician for my eating disorder which occurred because of my previous reckless behaviour. I take strong anti-depressants and anti-psychotics to stabilise my mood swings and help make me feel less suicidal. I keep a mood diary and speak to my mum every day, even just for ten minutes, to keep her in the know about how I’m feeling in the here and now.
I take every day as it comes, acknowledging when I have a bad day. On these days, I make sure to distract myself with taking the dog a walk or spending time with the people I love.
I have found that being alone makes me feel worse but the difference is now I let people in instead of pushing them away and closing the door behind them. I am managing to look in the mirror now and take more pride in my appearance. I have reapplied to start over at university in September which has given me a focus and I have found a wonderful boyfriend who wants to be there that, instead of promising with words like the people before, turns up at my door whenever I’m low to look after me — actions speak louder than words. I wouldn’t be here without him, my mum, my best friends or the support at my psychiatrists. I am still very much in the recovery stage but every day is getting that little bit easier to face. It’s been hard and I’m certain I’ll go through several more of these depressive episodes but it will be different; I have these people in my life to keep me grounded, keep me alive, to keep getting the message across to me that I am not my demons, they do not define me.
I hope this can help you realise that talking to these select few worthy people in your life will get you through the dark. Let them in instead of pushing them away. There are many people out there who do not understand mental health and use it as a way of defining others but these people do not have a part to play in your recovery, it’s you who matters. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you are so much stronger than you realise. It will take time, you will have setbacks and feel isolated at times, but please keep trying to get the better of your demons, keep fighting them. They do not define you.
